She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
