I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
