I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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