So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So many bounce houses so little time
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
