You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
