So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
