Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
