How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
