i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
