Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You took a bar mat shot.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
