She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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