see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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