then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
