Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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