Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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