i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
