She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
