there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
