I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
