I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
