I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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