Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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