I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
