he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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