You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So here I am, sexting at work.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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