She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
