Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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