the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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