Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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