So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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