how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
