know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
