why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize