u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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