Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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