Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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