I am midnight drunk by noon
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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