i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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