I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
