I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
