i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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