He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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