i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
