wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
