pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
