Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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