If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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