she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
