somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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