I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
