She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
