So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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