Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
