I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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