he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
