gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
