the condom got lost in my hair
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
