It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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