After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
