you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
