see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
