I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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